I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
