the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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