hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
