I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
