sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
