I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
