Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
