Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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