Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
