her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
