who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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