just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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