very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
