She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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