4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I must be too annoying 4 u.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
