mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
