No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
