I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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