So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize