When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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