So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
