I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
