she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
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James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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