I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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