Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.