I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?