I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
