so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
