a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
