Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
