Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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