I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
this just has baby written all over it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
