so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she smelled like a LAN party
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
