the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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