sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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