Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
