Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
A bitchslap is in order.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
