We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
