M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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