I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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