Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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