Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
