i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
