You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
