that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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