just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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