I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
