doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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