3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
