At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
