I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
