WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
