You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
