Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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