i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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