Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
